Sibling Squabbles: When It’s More Than Just "He Started It!"

In a neurodiverse household, sibling conflict is rarely just about a stolen toy; it is often a collision of competing sensory needs and communication styles. At Ziggyloo, we design our learning tools to adapt to these distinct cognitive profiles, but we know that managing the 'mixed-neurotype' dynamics of a family requires its own set of translation skills. To foster a supportive environment for learning and living, we must move beyond standard refereeing and start decoding the neurological root of the argument.

If you have more than one child, you know the sound. The sudden screech, the thud of a thrown toy, and the immediate, synchronized chorus of: "Mooooooom! He started it!"

In a typical household, you might mediate, threaten to take the toy away, or tell them to "work it out."

But yours isn't a typical household.

When one or more children are neurodiverse, sibling rivalry isn't just about who got the blue cup. It’s about sensory thresholds being crossed, rigid expectations being violated, or communication barriers that turn a simple misunderstanding into a full-blown meltdown.

Standard refereeing doesn't work when the players are using entirely different rulebooks.

The Reality of the "Mixed-Neurotype" Home

If it feels like your household is a complex ecosystem of competing brain types, it’s because it probably is. Research indicates that the recurrence rate of autism in siblings is around 20%.

That means many of us are navigating homes where multiple children have unique sensory profiles, communication styles, and executive functioning challenges.

A fight over Lego isn't just greed; it might be that Child A needs the blocks lined up perfectly for self-regulation, and Child B is craving the sensory input of crashing them down. It’s a clash of fundamental needs, not just wants.

Conflict Resolution When Brains Don't Speak the Same Language

Traditional advice like "use your words" or "say sorry" often backfires in neurodiverse homes. "Using words" might be impossible during sensory overload, and a forced apology teaches nothing if the child doesn't understand the social nuance of why the other person is upset.

We need a different toolkit based on de-escalation and translation.

Script 1: The Sensory Pause Button (De-escalate First)

When sensory systems crash, logic leaves the building. Do not try to resolve the conflict while anyone is yelling or physical.

• The Goal: Safety and regulation.

• The Script: “Whoa. Too loud. Too much body energy. Everyone stop. [Child A], you go to the crash pad. [Child B], you come to the kitchen with me. We are not talking about this until bodies are calm.”
  

Script 2: The Interpreter (Bridging Communication Gaps)

Often, neurodiverse kids struggle to take another's perspective. You have to be the bridge that explains one brain to the other without assigning blame.

• The Situation: Sibling A is screaming because Sibling B is humming loudly while playing.

• The Script (to Sibling A): “Your ears hurt because that humming is too loud for your brain right now.”

• The Script (to Sibling B): “Your brother isn't trying to be mean. His ears work differently, and that sound actually hurts him. You need to hum in your room with the door closed, or you need to stop humming out here. Which do you choose?”
  

Script 3: The "Fairness" Reframe

Neurodiverse kids often have a rigid sense of justice. "Fair" means "equal." But in your house, fair means everyone gets what they need.

• The Script: “I know it doesn't feel equal that your sister gets to wear headphones at dinner and you don't. But 'fair' in our house means everyone gets the tools they need. She needs headphones to handle the chewing sounds so she can eat with us. You need [mention their specific tool/accommodation] to help you with [their challenge]. We all need different things.”
  

The Final Word

Your goal isn't to eliminate squabbles—that’s impossible. Your goal is to shift from being a referee handing out penalties to being a translator helping different brains understand each other. It’s messy work, but it’s the only way to build lasting peace in a neurodiverse home.